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Book series after movies please I like to enjoy what i read and watch [Jul. 21st, 2011|05:57 am]
Wolf
So I figure everyone was all about the new Harry Potter movie... I saw it on opening night and ya, it was good. Wasn't jaw dropping awesome or anything, mind you I did enjoy it.

I made the mistake, without choice mind you of watching and reading X-men as a kid and lo n behold they eventually made big time movies. I enjoyed them and hated them all at once and when First Class finally came out I had reached a healthy medium and enjoyed it without a single cringing moment. Seems books n movies don't bring out the best in me and I become the biggest picky critic on earth. So I refused to read Harry Potter because I knew it would become a biggie and I wouldn't be able to sit in the theaters and watch it without picking it all apart, thank gods its all done now, I can finally read them all and enjoy the story for what it really is.

Movies tend to take you down the story with an iron grip and force you to accept the visualization presented with little left to spark up on your own. Books however detailed for some reason, at least for me, always have left the doorway for visualizing wide open. They are much more personal and I tend to like it that way. Then when you talk to other people who have read it as well you have something to throw back n forth... that's not to say you can't with movies.... its just you have a hard unchanging fact you all saw and there is no questioning what color blue the fur was, What accent you placed on his tongue.. it was all laid out for you.

As far as movies go... I saw green lantern, it was good and in my opinion had the cinematography of the last Potter film been the same they would easily be of the same quality film. Same depth, same everything.... but you didn't see a friggen massive line out the ass for that one opening night. Now I in no way think Green Lantern was better or worse than HP but... they are all being pumped out at the same speeds these days.

I'm 26.. that's hardly old.. but jesus Casablanca would come out and stay out as the only movie to see for at least a damn week or more before another option came out. You couldn't literally go see a movie a day for almost a week and a half... Take some time people good lord.... Make some quality versus mind numbing fast paced quickies. They aren't even witty any more.... its the same rehashed retro I was a kid once now I have a budget and no ideas hey let's relive the past but barely do it justice bullshit.

Get Low... Biutiful. What the fuck people... did anyone even see these?

There are so many decent movies still being made and they get shoved under the door so quickly we find them months even years after they existed.... That is sad to me. I'm victim to it too... By all means tell me a film favorite to watch and I will gladly if not viewed already watch it and give it the audience it so deserves.

Went to that Woody Allen movie Midnight in Paris... not the world's greatest flick this year, but it was alot better than Transfumblers 3 : The Micheal Bay Explosion.

myself and my friend were the youngest and easily 2-3 decades younger than the rest of the audience members... all whopping 13 of us.... the hell is wrong with people these days?

Old soul in a slightly younger body I guess.... even though I have a Marvel throw over my sheets my 2yr old daughter gets a massive kick outta raids in WoW... ahahaa. she's adorable. That's what I really look forward to... sitting up with her late at night after homework is done and watching a movie and then later that week shootin the shit with her on what she thought about it, or the last book she read. Chop chop lil one got a stack of hardcovers n DVDs waitin on ya.
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Laying in a bed after work [Jul. 10th, 2011|09:11 am]
Wolf
So I come home strip down, lay my scrub pants out, use the bathroom, wind down a little and then get comfy in bed with this lil technical basturd.

Devon rubbed my head/hair sleepily but I tried my best not to move away. I don't mean to, I'm not like disgusted or anything... I don't know. I just don't trust her, I may never trust her again. Its due to that mainly that I don't see myself getting back with her, even if she does completely change her life around.

I'm doing what's best for me. I know she can't hurt me as a friend. I don't feel a pull to her anymore. I'm rethinking and reviewing why we fell in love, what kept us together, all that jazz. I know she will be open and honest if not brutally so. I appreciate her for that, she knows how to make an impact. And although through our lives together she has lied to me multiple times save for the excuse she makes that since she does come clean later, be it a few hours or a few days up to a few years... she always tells me the truth in the end. I don't feel special around her, not like I used to. I know I'm not celebrity hot... I'm not eating disorder hot.. I'm attractive in the sense I'm a real man. I am tough and strong but I am a massive teddy bear and love to do sweet things and go above and beyond for those that I love and bring them the world pretty much. I'm a protector and a know it all due to my over prepared nature. I can do super human things at times, stupid/silly or not, like weighing out 3 cups to contain the same number of coins just based of my ability to switch the coins out and hold the cups up in the air all based on weight. I did that at chuck e cheese and even guessed the number of coins.. 92 92 and the middle one felt lighter so 90. and it was.

I don't pay it any mind until its brought up to me through someone's reactions.. so i'm ordinary and don't remember all the random oddball out of the norm things I've done over the years.

I seriously miss her. Taylor that is ahahaa. And it isn't a pining over a lover kind of thing. I just miss her company. I wish we all lived together. Everyone always acts like you have to walk on eggshells to talk to Taylor... but its like if you go into it all as she is Taylor I want to know her because I don't, it doesn't suck. I want to go putt putt, bowling, pool, swimming, walk the beaches, a beach day, I want to fly her up to New Hampshire during the Fall... I don't know it just came to me. Gut feeling tells me she'd be a perfect traveling partner. And honestly I'm believing it.

Now I sit here and I hear Devon's sleepy sigh. I want it known to everyone. I'm not giving up on her. Based on what has been presented to me, we are parents who can coincide and work together but not love each other to the degree needed for a husband and wife scenario. I acknowledge that one day waaaay down the road we might very well see that we are good for each other and love each other mutually yadda yadda... or we might crash n burn and become only parents who need space and can't be around each other, but I honestly don't feel that last one ever happening.

For 7 years I've wanted Devon to be able to live with herself and be happy with herself.. I guess better late than never. Only took some insanely harsh methods to destroy it all to make her see she has to build it back up.

I don't have much to say about her right now, even though I wish I did... she is just a different person... or more so you can see the change at times and that means she herself doesn't even know who she is at times.

She started playing WoW.. and yes I know its corny and nerdy.. but it will help her achieve patience and multitasking.. reducing how stress affects her as well as increase how much stress we undergo in situations... etc.

I'm just in the mode of caution, most of all that's happened has happened as a bad or a good thing. I like This unknowing.

I love her, I always will have a massive part of me "belong" to her. I'm glad I''ve known her for as long as I have and inevitably will know her until she herself is only known from the whispers of time.

I can't wait to meet her after she has found herself and see if that version of her sees me and loves me for me. I want someone to love me and it not be complicated. I want to know someone loves me, is and can be attracted to me, laughs with me rather than at or whatever... I want to feel for someone under the same guidelines that they themselves love me as much as I love them.

I seriously think I'll work on hugging her more. I will hug Taylor when we part ways. I used to love hugs. I say her specifically because I don't with her. As wonderful as she is to me I am incredibly reserved at my physical expression toward her. I'm afraid to drive her away. Its incredibly dumb I know. How do you turn someone away by hugging them good bye when they leave or when they first come over to visit? I loved always trying to leave people with a small moment to remember every time I parted ways or greeted with anyone. I believe that is what I'll be focusing on regaining, my confidence to hug without reason or restraint. We shall see where I go from there.
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Workout Leads to Thoughts [Jul. 6th, 2011|04:17 am]
Wolf
Incoming insight, rambles, and overall questionable thoughts.. take from it what you will.


I'm not a poet in the sense I wish to be, I wish the trivial flow of words and rhythmic conjunction came to me naturally. Continual connections, added in line, guidance from sentence to sentence in a river of prismatic written light. But it doesn't. It won't, it trickles out like a backed up dam with a spit of swamp mud from time to time and a grub pokes out and hits you in the eye. I may have a way with words and a depth at times most unfathomable, but I envy the word weavers, synonym spinners, alliterating athletes... they make me smile and cringe so that I sit with a neutrally closed mouth.

Pour out oceans and volumes and novels of text day after waking day and night after sleepless night. A failed comparison to the few sentenced perfections tapped out in moments of daily insights and almost trained synaptic second natures. This word matches these words, this one groups with those, and from those branch off into a webbed forest of literary chaos so beautifully perplexing the only ones dare tread its sticky vine work are the very predatory parasites that fester in the envied minds of said poets.

But I see its beauty, I respect its power, I sense its calming conclusions and questioningly tidal read through. We can take it all so many ways, feel it all so differently and yet agree on it all just the same. That in itself is the beauty. A connection thru confusion, a defiant claim to clarity.

While working out with a friend this morning before coming home I began to piece a visual of all creations connection to one another and our influence over all. It started as a single cord, a line, what have you, and in that each "contact" without ever truly touching, since we as human trust no one entirely and always distrust indefinitely no matter how close we allow another to get, never make true contact. Touching on a physical level is cheap, We in that sense have touched everyone thru a connection of touch. The air connects us all, the water has been through or around us, the gases, the elements etc. We are all indeed connected in that sense. Water is a conductor and we are all made up of a large percentage of it. Our thoughts are electrical, does it not enhance its purpose in water? In that would it not be plausible that when we have ideas when we have thoughts our memories remain and in that linger fingerprint or blueprint the idea eternal? So when we think a spark can be sent throughout all our bodies influence our minds, leave a lingering reminder in someone else for miles and miles away throughout infinite "connective" space? Revamped connections feed that linger into a more stable more solid idea perhaps even fed further by an already existent thought or idea similar to the original memory blueprint and over time one exists to pursue the idea now in full fruition?

Perhaps that in itself is the reason we too often have if not in ourselves but in our friends had situations where something we thought up in our own minds as a mere "thought doodle" is seen weeks maybe years later in an exact or slightly modified version by someone else.

I have an issue with Vegetarians, Vegans, Carnivores, and more.. I do not know what is right or wrong for my thoughts and morals are based on what I was allowed to be exposed to under the moral understandings of my parents, grandparents, teachers, region, friends, etc... But I do have my ideas.

If in fact we are all connected, if in fact the ideas of connected thought even if not fully understood, perhaps my existence means my mind sends out the idea I will need to eat, I will need to survive. throughout the years and time "fate" as some call it causes events to lead into the birthing and gathering, the timing, the jobs given, the line up, the match up, the slaughter, the "life" release and transfer. Perhaps in all that it all adds up right to the moment I eat, consume, assimilate, and adjust. How is that justification any different than the process of justification for a moral qualm a vegetarian has to overcome the need for proteins and what not from one life form to another. If all things are living since all things have energy sentience is simply the defining marker to which we justify what is right and wrong. I say think on an energy level. If in reality we all want to transcend to a purer form... pure energy has no sentience it just is. And in that sense... what difference is right from wrong? Merely a decider between like minds, and in that begins the conflict. An "animal" even though I still deem myself one, may not have the same sentience as another... and in so doing if a cow was raised with the influence it needed to be more territorial or more sexual, or more knowledgeable... what, over time, would happen? Evolution of sentience. We were all simple minded as well long long ago. We learned thru example, thru observation, thru training over eons. Our selfishness prevented us from ever stopping throughout history to allow any other species the opportunity to follow our path. We train pets to only do so much but on a regular basis now we see amazing videos where they exhibit skills far beyond the normal actions of their brethren. We can easily be within the science fiction we so aptly pass off as entertainment. But give up our mantle of power on this small speck... I don't think we'd all look too kindly on it. A battle of dominance, that's what it comes down to and sadly the other options are always brushed to the way side.

Open minds are turned down in society to some degree and forced to wear compressed blinders, because we must exist within the confines of our civilized shackles... but for what? Oppression of a greater existence beyond our subservience?

So many possibilities and so little time for we the celestial dust balls to attain. We don't dive into thought as much as we use to or should, we yearn for further distractions, faster object production to feed our overgrown materialistic unnatural improperly misdesigned financially inept mockery of life. This isn't it. But it will be if we choose to exist so blindly.

Our advancements do nothing short of limit us even further. Compress us all to a muddled grey screaming for outside sources to spice our colorless lives up with flare. Our bling, our sing, our things... its all for nothing. Force yourself to compress, refine, submit, and deny, then only then will you find a false golden calf to turn to in times of great questioning need. Struggle your whole life, endure hardship and in the end you will be granted the paradise you've so longed for since true fruition of your own individual sentience. So stubbornly and blindly we trek on, so much overlooked.. so much lost... Depressing? No.. at first perhaps if this is your first glimpse into it all. But they exist. The ones who truly endure... the ones who Become rather than just Be. Not the ones who Became... the ones who "live" the "life" they bask in illusions set up to fool us and feed them. Our golden calves crested in the platinum chains of their own oppressions, their own shackles to the lives they forced on themselves and are forced to eternally maintain. To live under the roof, to swim that Olympic pool and maintain those priceless automotive wonders... the weight grows heavy and the gallop so few. To run freely amongst our common man is to dodge our chains and hope they don't tangle and tighten. Freedom is a giant diamond and gold bejeweled mirror engulfed in the vapors of a most intoxicating allure of false promise and hoaxed deception. Slaves aren't we all to someone? Slave master's whip ironically held within the grasp of our own eager hands. We sell ourselves to our own cause without the notion of knowing the truth of our existence. The world exists on monetary systems developed solely by our own kind. We oppress ourselves, we crush our own. Our debt isn't real it was a trick from the get go an eternal screwover promise.. legal tender saying that money created for us to barter and trade was already owed back by a percentage that just didn't exist to begin with. Our eagerly desperate forefathers sold our hides to this slavery without any disregard as to what it would truly entail. Our constant existence grows beyond the nature of animals and transcends into a weakening madness. Our fine tuned minds by some and eagerly altered society grow increasingly and violently closer. The more our information grows, the more our access broadens the masses minds.... we shall all strike out. A beast burdened with brilliance unknown will lash out in fear and anger.. We shall be our own murderers. We are the most powerful plague this planet shall ever knowand has known, and she will die by our conquest. We won't accept our place. I feel sorry for this beautifully complex rock. I drive down roadways and "grids" thinking of what it once was, or could have looked like... See giant buildings blocking views for miles and knowing once you could see the very mile to which you could now not see... We are a foolish lot. And yet even still
that same ridiculous nature has also brought us the joys and beauty of the arts. So much expression that I can always understand how hard it is to see us as anything but good.

Make no mistake I do not disguise my words in anger or hatred or anything of a negative nature... Truth is truth and I accept that good is bad and bad is good. We all need both to be able to understand and appreciate the other. So few remember that the path between the two is riddled with so much more, so much expression and feeling that the broad points are usually far more exaggerated in their strengths than the very middle ground to which we use as a foundation on a regular basis. Embracing that is our greatest strengths. Feeling overall is overwhelming if experienced so fleetingly, but with practice it all becomes more human than the existence we are force fed to become.

Responsibility of what we engage in and endure, our greatest trials and self triumphs. Her name is Dresden, perhaps I'll have a Wulfred, Wolf, Gideon, Charlie, Orpheus, Darius, Maeve, Mauve, Cecily, Chaela....etc the list is as endless as the children's lives. I can never place them until I see the eyes of those born. But my children give me a strength and purpose none shall ever comprehend its honor and horror. In my own way at least.. we all undergo the transformation at one point whether we don the mantle properly or foolishly, it will be pressed upon our brow inevitably. You will enjoy the child and all its wonderment and the rearing of its life through the ages... but the path to which you must govern as an example has a path so few truly question. I intend to maintain intelligence and morality... but the rest is quite a pickle indeed.

Well that is a ramble and a rant enough I suppose... I had to take a moment to inspect a mouse burrowing thru the cupboards and whether its death is more deemed than my own, simply because I am bigger and allegedly more sentient. Needless to say I warranted the act of discipline and scared it from its scratching. Teach it, that if it wishes to continue that it heed the surroundings and know a larger entity is nearby unnerved by it doings and to choose a more opportune time to which it can wage its parallel life near my own.
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Sadly unchanging [Jul. 1st, 2011|06:54 pm]
Wolf
All talk and no progress.. I really wish it wasn't starting all over again but it is. She got comfortable again and is already going down the same path again. Not using or anything but without a change of lifestyle or outlook or something she's eventually going to go down or walk close to that path again.

I get lectured because I take out a cash advance attempt to be a good birthday host. I made multiple offers for our shopping outing and a dinner just she and I. Every time however it is avoided or rejected, and not intentionally by her either.. its just she subconsciously or whatever is shutting me out again and only wants to see me in a negative light so she can pretty much force herself back into that lifestyle again. Its not healthy. And the saddest part is unless you live with her 24/7 and actually pay attention... you'll never see it until she has a final stage episode.

I hate this, I honestly hate that she has outright said to me she has no idea how to change and needs someone to keep her in line and help give her that push. That I'm so good, or she is so grateful for what I've put myself thru just to try and help her. Or that I'm the only one who actually knows her... its like great she admits everyone else is totally oblivious to her actions and methods of self destruction and that no one else can help her get out of it.. I haven't been hostile or anything.. but every time she hears something she doesn't like or that she might want to think about other options she shuts off, becomes defensive and then just goes on the attack and generates a mentally hostile environment where the only outcome is negative feedback. And then puts on a show for everyone else so she is still in a warm nest of denial and they see only what she sets up for them. Smoke n mirrors.

She's making a breeding ground for her bad coping skills again. I just feel bad for her at this point because this isn't fair to anyone. I deserve a friend and co-parent who is going to work with me in raising our daughter not walk off in a huff and take her from me to a family event without me and make statements like well you know where it is.

Who would without being selfish or stubborn go into that? I refuse to expose my daughter to the hostility Devon generates using her pampered kid coping skills. When she doesn't like what she hears or feels vunerable or doesn't get what she wants her way, she shuts off and gets defensive and pushes you away. I don't want Dresden learning that crap.

I want a healthy life for us all.. and its so sad to have 2 lives right now. I know happiness and I know inward self destruction. As long as you do what she wants and live how she wants you can have a happy life. Constantly walking on eggshells. I wake up we talk very friendly in fact, little short comments thrown in here and there.. and then one suggestion about her idea of taking a vacation right now with her birthday money and she flips on me. Its not fair. I had every right to enjoy my daughters first big family event. How can I now if I just show up and there's a hostile sour woman avoiding me, what family are we? So fucked up. I just want to be in something healthy for once.

I embrace my time with others sure but they don't help the hole in my chest emptied out by the lack of family closeness.. I don't want to settle for tainted moments, this is the best yer gonna get kinda shit.

Ya she's away from me right now and she can enjoy her time with our daughter or I could have taken her and enjoyed time with our daughter. The whole idea is that we enjoy time with our daughter as a family. She won't talk to me, even if I just want to apologize for whatever it was that set her off and just calm the situation down enough we could actually go and enjoy the rest of the day together. I was trying to do that before she just rushed out and left. Because if we did calm the situation down, its always the same thing she has to face herself, she has to admit to herself this didn't have to be this way if she just didn't overreact all the time. Its so dumb how easily this can be fixed but she has to refuse any proof she might not be better than she thinks she is. She's so engulfed in the idea of getting better and not knowing exactly how to go about it that she pretty much just lives like she is massively changed and down a good path. Great so she isn't hawkin' pills down left n right to not feel or think... that doesn't mean the things that brought her to those last ditch efforts went away. This is November all over again.
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This conversation I hope warrants more to come with multiple participants. [Jun. 30th, 2011|05:05 am]
Wolf
[Current Location |couch with laptop ]
[mood |sillysilly]
[music |the quiet of night.]

This is a face book chat conversation I had tonight with an old acquaintance. All I have to show for my educational base is my High School Diploma and working toward a Bachelors of Science in Game Art.


Here goes, its a fun one!!

Brittney
you should get a PHD lol

Wolf J Willette
ya... you got cash?
plus society scoffs at my non gender based sexual preferences, open mind, tattoo wielding, under pierced, oddball, borderline genius, unbiased, selflessly observational, accepting existence.

Brittney
i wish i wish

Wolf J Willette
I hate the term Bi

Brittney
your bi?

Wolf J Willette
hell I'd have a functioning relationship with an alien if I had the chance. I'm not held back by bodies or sexual acts, I'm all about the mind.

Brittney
lol

Wolf J Willette
and if you could ever show me an animal that can thoroughly with no confusion communicate
and express emotions with me
that I also was attracted to just as much as they to me
I'd probably attempt that to
we have no concrete existence
and that is incredibly unrealistic and highly unlikely for me, no interest at all
and most people get the wrong idea when you even try to talk about the pros and cons of bestiality
I'm open
that's it
I have no expectations and through the process of unbiased understanding and cultivated patience I have no limits for myself or how I interact with others

Brittney
haha your crazy

Wolf J Willette
I've made no claim to truly know anything, just existence within my perceptions
and I'm not crazy
I'm openly realistic
we have no set paths in life, no true premeditated laws set before our existence to guide us
we have free will and expansive raw minds
and we are brought into the world thru our parents' exposures to what they were brought into
and our transitions into whatever social interactions we allow ourselves to be governed by
and uphold and support as "correct"

Brittney
i know

Wolf J Willette
Gay marriage still present as an issue is a joke in itself
marriage is nothing short of a tax cut and government involvement/acknowledgement

Brittney
yes... but if it is to be legal in all states they have to change to actual definition of the word

Wolf J Willette
there is nothing that actually happens when we get married short of the pressures we are forced to endure by our own superstitions

Brittney
true

Wolf J Willette
if the gay couple stay together
but aren't accepted by the courts
they are still in love
still together
and don't break up
no chemical changes occur
nothing happens
marriage is just a symbol between people
and if the churches accept and allow gays as equals amongst the congregation into the "temples" and houses of worship to alleged understanding and forgiving Deities,
how the hell can they not accept the marital aspect as well
otherwise the entire institution is a contradiction and a heap of blasphemous hypocrisy through selective acknowledgement

Brittney
not all churches do ..... i have nothing wrong with gays ... i like girls, know that you are that way.. but conflicted with the whole marriage thing.. i don't know why

Wolf J Willette
we are taught that
that's why
I could care less
the institution of marriage is "sacred"
but we don't even know why
like actually know why
its the unity of beings
committing their lives to one another
the rest is just biased views
enforced with like minds
or blind unquestioning sheep
because it is treated as such a massive important thing but in actuality it is quite trivial overall and only important to those directly expressing the ceremonial gesture to one another.
I always found all that crap interesting and frustrating
I'm not the marrying type
we are still just animals after all
regardless of how much we have to defiantly prove to ourselves we are above all that and separated from the rest
our pride and stubborn nature, and blind pursuit of the highest rank of power and greed has caused us to push past our own natural interactive adaptations and intelligence and pursue a constant need for gluttonous consumption and simplification due to our own confusion into all that we force ourselves into
if we do in fact ever have a blackout
we're screwed
anarchy will rise because we ourselves have no idea what we really are or who we are, we all blindly are herded to rush thru life without thinking as much as possible and continue the obedient unquestioning cycle.

Brittney
its not everyone's business if gays wanna be spouses... let them get the benefits of it and do whatever they want but i think when people cry out so much that it isn't fair and they have the right, so many people just instinctively or the first main reaction is to oppose just because they demand it...

Wolf J Willette
chaos and confusion and desperation. humans are, regardless of the years of masked and distractingly mirrored progression and advancement, in general are nothing more than scared cornered beasts

Wolf J Willette
people focus only on it being about the sex or being "right" or natural
when a man and a woman get married
we know they will eventually have sex
and it will be "natural" sex, all based on what the individual's interpretation of that is.
a man can have butt sex with a woman and feel it to be a natural want and desire
a woman can go down on a man because it is what he or she naturally wants
a man can go down on a woman for the same exact reasons
and a woman can milk a man's prostate or enact anal thru the assistance of toys and devices and still mindfully understand all that as natural.

Brittney
all sex is natural because its done by humans and has been done every way you can think of since time started.. either gay or straight sex its all normal human nature

Wolf J Willette
sex is a process to create life, very rarely with a few other instances other than our species is it used as recreation beyond its truest and base purpose
that is where the root of it is
gay sex cannot accomplish our main and base purpose for a continued existence
however... we don't live in ancient times
and since our sciences always continue to improve
so too should our tolerances and acceptances
we can change bodies entirely
chemically and physically
we can literally turn a man into a woman over time both physically and mentally
so that under a microscope or after an interview/assessment
both genetically and mentally they are a woman
or vice versus

Brittney
ehh that's a little too far though...
lol

Wolf J Willette
not really
we embrace/accept/understand genetic anomalies like Down's Syndrome
we aren't taking people born that way out back and putting them down like old Yeller
we find ways for societal integration for all our mental disorders,diseases, handicaps, etc
so that we can all work together in a civilized functional and tolerant society
if during the process of our female and male DNA fusing and working together to form a new life thru the presence of 2 already existing lives the brain gets the emotional and perceptive aspects of a woman but the body has already formed into a small baby boy
no matter what you do that kid will never fit in just right
a gay man's arousal perception or "triggers", if you will,
are that of a woman's attraction to the "opposite" sex
except that part of the brain was formed in a male rather than "appropriately" a female
so the end result is a male likes males
we aren't perfect and genetics are an easy thing to "foul up" naturally, considering our genetic make up is in fact both male and female anyway, we are bound to have "crossed wires" or faulty but functional "programming"
We are complex fleshy circuit boards. Fleshy machines and as we all know there is more than one way to power a machine and still make it run efficiently and thoroughly without any real evidence or differences between them on a functioning level.
Darwinism and all it's successors are or will be "extinct" or altered to cater to our constant tampering of the natural order so we can remain at the top of earth's hierarchy when in reality we are no different than the viral diseases we see as negatives and develop methods of cancelling out our planet's developed methods to cleanse itself and keep its sickness's "growth" in check. Earth is an AIDs victim and we are the constantly changing virus altering and consuming everything in our path to ensure our existence remains supreme through crippling dominance. Our basic instinct is to not accept how simple and insignificant we are. We will always blindly defy even our own to prove we have a greater purpose beyond just existing as a whole for the sake of existing and occupying space. We help maintain the flow of energy throughout the universe by utilizing the energy itself for a time and redistributing it as an altered form after we have exhausted it in our form. Considering we are all nothing short of compressed altered stardust.

Brittney
so interesting and is a very longgg topic to discuss but i have to get up at 6 am Wolfy boy lol

Wolf J Willette
we eat away at ourselves through our established "differences", attempting to justify our actions under the banners of some greater good when in reality we have no true purpose short of be born and spread and conquer space thru the birth of more of our own. All sides are held prisoner to their frightened infantile rationality of all existence and purpose which in turn prevents us from accepting we all have our own moralities. Coexistence even on a small scale means forfeiting our modern crusades to eradicate one another in defense of our morally "righteous causes" or our self proclaimed Deity enriched ritualistic fail safes to our own inability to simply accept and face we truly have no answer for how it has come or how it will come to be. Our sentience is a cursed blessing, we are given acknowledgement of infinity compressed and condensed within our small forms of limited capacity and through our frustrations of those fathomless depths of possibilities and unmitigated freedoms we are forced to frantically snatch and grab bits n pieces of whatever we can to try to make sense enough to exist so that we don't have to be reminded of the vastness that is our raw truth.
infinite possibilities means that nothing any of us do is wrong until decided by another that it doesn't coincide with the safeguards they have latched onto from within the void to keep them from facing facts we have no real purpose in our existence except for the perceived notions we grant ourselves to justify our actions.
and dually noted
we aren't all prone to a nocturnal existence, though the clarity and endless depths of thought at this time is beyond ideal.
tues-thurs
always off unless i get fired.
you guys or just you are always welcome and free to come over and discuss or do whatever
I have no taboos
only that of what my daughter is exposed to and given the chance to accept
Brittney
there are many conversations to be had in that area and others... lol i have ur number.. we will get together soon, we live close so let me know when ur free

Wolf J Willette
all in her own readied time
tues-thurs
always
fri-mon I am working overnight and sun is my double so I don't exist
it doesn't change unless I get fired soon

Brittney
ok.. thursdays are good
lol hope not

Wolf J Willette
i do

Brittney
ok then me too

Wolf J Willette
honestly losing my connection with the patients would suck
and child services wouldn't look too kindly on me being jobless
but the gossip/drama, narrow mindedness, and favoritism of the employees is so juvenile and unnecessary I'd much rather be forced to find work elsewhere, because for some reason I can't do it now. but ya I'll shut up now

Brittney
yea... well keep ur life free of crime and you will be fine with cpi lol
haha

Wolf J Willette
have a good night.
i have no record
and never intend to

Brittney
you too dude, good talking to ya... ur a good guy, you'll be fine, im sure ur a GREAT DAD

Wolf J Willette
hope to see ya sometime. be nice to rekindle past the unfeeling black text

Brittney
yes i know!

Wolf J Willette
seems to be what we are force fed these days. tech is best....

Brittney
peace out .. i have to go to sleep lol

Wolf J Willette
further we get the more scarring our social skills take
nighty night

Brittney
:)
bye
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Musings. [Jun. 14th, 2011|04:28 am]
Wolf
I've scanned the tomes of broken promises and scattered dreams. I've scrolled down pages of progression, regression, obsession, and pain. I need a means to be selfish. I deserve so much more than what I've fallen victim to. Trapped by my own purity of selfless unconditional caring. I keep getting myself stuck in these situations over the years. I take on the impossible, give it a glimmer of hope and then when I try to let people take up their own mantle of responsibility... they almost always disappoint.

I don't get it, I'm not even beginning to try to unravel the completely fucked up dysfunctionaly self destructive mind I've had the misfortune to be exposed to recently... But I will say this much, if I am being tested, there better be one hell of a pay off in the end cuz this shit is starting to wear me down. But what I don't get... is over the years, I've been an adviser, a wise old soul in a young body. I give out guidance in the healthiest way possible, and more often than not people ask for the help but never want to accept that things aren't easy, and the easiest way to get better is hard. If one thing isn't working you literally do the opposite. if you are comfortable in a self destructive lifestyle but want to change for the better in the long run because sometimes you have a moment of desperate sanity... you will have to endure discomfort as you relearn how to live happy. I guess I'm waaaay smarter than I credit myself, or my comprehension must be well above noteworthy... its just, I'm 26 and so far the more exposure people have to all I've seen and been through, the more they just don't understand how the hell I'm still standing in one piece or even as sane as I am. But in actuality it makes perfect sense, at least to me. If one endures and overcomes obstacles shouldn't the experience gained better the person based off their perception of things being that of a learning experience. At the end of an event recap break it down, understand it from all angles, and chock it up to another situation to branch off from in times of similar situations?

I just don't get it. Am I one of the greats? The potential Leaders vs followers or what have you? Is that my problem? I'm settling, sinking further away from my own true endeavors simply because I try to fit in, and my only exposure is to self destructive teen angst ridden drug addicts with sexual image issues and disorders? I read back on these entries and I begin to see myself as my own help case. I had potential... alot of it infact. I'm forced to live in a fashion unfit for what I could have been solely due to my inability to be selfish and focus on myself and bettering myself without paying attention to the needs of others before my own.

But at that same point... which is better? I know in the long run taking the verbal breakdowns, the mental abuse, the psychologically trying times, will eventually lead way to a healthier person who in turn may one day repay the debt simply by exposing me to her newly found happiness. The reward of knowing you've helped someone is amazing. We are tiny specks in life and nothing we do will ever really amount to a hill of beans at some point or another. Nothing lasts forever. But if we are the embodiment of our history and the pathway to our future.. then each person we affect is our own personal legacy in their own way.

I can't begin to understand how simple a transition this is. I have been wronged to the highest extreme. I have a useless cousin who shows no respect or restraint either toward me or his family, in his sexually debauched escapades. Using our families bedrooms and furniture to his whims to force his influence on an already fragile minded mentally unstable addict causing her turmoil and further dragging her into a void of unimaginably twisted self destruction. Pampered by his family almost to the degree of a victim in the whole ordeal whilst my reactions are deemed that of a delusional husband. I don't deem either one better than the other.. however his exposure to traumatic events and abuse are no more an excuse than her own trial and error past. they both should have identified an issue and stopped and even still the fact that either one of them still pines over the other regardless of who it is... its just sick and sad. Whereas in actuality I expose people's flaws and dysfunctions so as to allow them the very means to overcome those disabling weights and better themselves for a longer life of unmitigated happiness versus cheap thrills followed by darkened shame and regret to be masked by more extreme acts to continue a downward cycle.

My "wife" unfortunately has dragged herself to all new lows and tainted the very sanctity that was her progression from dysfunction and disorder. In the past I addressed I would have to endure alot of neglect and abuse during her realization and rebuilding phase.... 7 years of hardwork, hardships and teamwork... keeping myself in check for a longterm reward of her freedom from self destruction and her eventual exposure to being able to enjoy and experience real happiness without strings attached or a looming depression in its wake. I understand even now, this is a spike. Over 11 years worth of childhood coping skills developed in dysfunction... I know the road to progression is that of bumps n dips.. but these last 2 years have proven cavernous.

I've neglected myself. I should be miles past all this crap being expressive, embracing fatherhood with someone who wants to be a proper mother to her children. I know she claims to love Dresden and wouldn't/hasn't done anything to harm her or endanger her... but if she would simply drop her defenses and look back on all the damage her parents actions had on her... she'd know the last 2 years don't just stop at those 2 years. She has damaged her daughter's future. And currently I battle the fact that my choices and my sacrifices either increase tenfold and I take on more than I should rightly have to endure for the sake of someone who has never taken responsibility for her actions and just drags herself into destruction waiting for someone to clean up the mess. Or do I sever the ties and for once in my life acquire a time of selfishness and find someone I deserve no strings attached, or certainly as little strings as possible. Our daughter deserves a good life, and I would never willingly expose her to the kind of mental sickness my wife and cousin have forced her into. She has ears, she has eyes.... though she may not have been victim to witness the sexual acts, she has heard them or certainly seen the traumatic effect is has played on our families bonds.

If she loved her daughter she would not subject her to wicked acts and thoughtless actions. Drugging up to hide from the pain of reality, the consequences of her twisted sickness.. our daughter deserves an untainted healthy mother who can devote all her time to her and her family, not subject herself to being sexually used and mask it all under the false and forced momentary euphoria of a handful of tiny red pills. She hates me when I bring it up... but in reality she just hates having to face the facts that my break down of the situation is in fact, fact. Living for the moment might work for a teenager but in the role of a parent everything we do affects our children's lives and how they will inevitably handle the stresses put on it.

I want to fast forward to the happy family who has overcome all the hardships and both parents are stable and together... but the more I am exposed to the more I see it was a waste of time. The pay off isn't so great. My daughter is... Dresden is wonderful.. and I can't imagine her having to face anything in life with coping skills given by her mother.

But I don't deserve this rotted husk of a woman. She has used herself and let herself be used. Made an example of in life of all the wrong decisions and what never to do. I see a glint from time to time of the scared adventurous strong willed chick I met years ago.. and how determined she was to make a better life for herself... get out of the dysfunctional house, get better, be better, be the best for her enduring lover and best friend... to one day marry, to have children, to have our home... and when we began to achieve it, she immediately began to destroy it all and shred it to tatters.

I don't know if I should put myself thru all this hardship again to rebuild her again... when she herself has fallen so far by her own force. Her eating disorders, drug addiction, sexual dysfunction, confidence based on unhealthy ideals of image... it just doesn't stop. I can understand a small issue here or there... but in less than a year she severed and brainwashed herself from the strongest force she had in regaining her life from this crap. I accept my role and how I have to take the blunt force of it all to endure a long road of struggle... yea... but why?

I'm pretty sure she is rubbing off on me. I've been broken and brought down because I made the choice to love. I opened my doors and dropped my defenses and given her the code to each lock. I allowed myself to fall prey to her darkness and it in turn has warped me too in some ways.

I address who I was and according to my path who I could have been. I am blessed that she has given me such a wonderful daughter... but sadly without her acknowledgement most of her progress is solely due to my design. I work with her and am attentive to her needs regardless of just having fun. taking her to a playground is well n good, feeding her a meal... there is alot of psychological observation and reflective actions needed to raise her. And honestly she needs 2 parents not one taking on both roles. Or one taking the reigns and the other falling on the sidelines claiming stability enough to see her and help raise her when her own influence will in turn condemn her to mimic the same sickness that destroyed her mother in the first place. I am not female... I can not be her role model... she will mimic her mother and look to her as a guideline, like all others before us. She will be attracted to a man who is much like her father because she will be taught that is what a good choice in men is. Subconsciously or not, that is how its worked for generations. I have to make sure I am stable enough to set a good example but her female influence must be as well or she will be a mess and unable to experience the life she should have.

All thoughts, tiny musings and heavy burdens I've been reviewing constantly so as to not make a rash decision or a hasty mistake.. But lately... I'm leaning toward a life of sacrifice and hardship, only this time I will be doing it alone to help someone much much much smaller and younger and more helplessly unaware than her mother. I hope within the month while I secure a healthy household for our daughter I am presented with a new light, some sign of progress enough to win me back, renew my faith in this sadly more recently observed woman I deem a Lost Cause.
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another addition of late night scribblings via text tappin [Oct. 14th, 2008|04:55 am]
Wolf
Indeed. it's almost 5am and I figured what the hell, I feel like writing so here goes.

I've been going through alot in my life. I can sit and enjoy a simple woodchuck cider now and doctor it for hours and not have the need to toss em back so to speak. I sit at bars or stripclubs or clubs, where ever my friends go and I tag along, but it's becoming to be a whole new thing. I don't fit in I know it. I just have this feeling I want to just sit at home and do absolutely nothing. Just meditate or go into deep thought staring aimlessly in a red lit room and contemplate all things. I want to feel again. I mean I'm neutral, not depressed and not over joyed. Life has come to a grey area, I'm content plain and simple. I've reached a plateau, and Devon makes me happy but even still. I was never meant to be around people and even Devon makes me uncomfortable at times. I just want to lock myself up in a room no voices no communication or worry about anyone and just be at peace with myself. Keeping in mind I'm not freaking out inside when i'm around people. I don't get stressed or worried in the sense of needing medication or therapy.

I just don't fit in. I'm socially awkward when it comes to serious discussions and my viewpoints seem to be so open and accepting that it makes others uncomfortable or simple unable to understand how I could think that way.

And lets examine that. And feel free to discuss your opinions on me if you wish I take criticism well. I'm open to everything and anything, I'll try anything as long as it follows a balance of morality and doesn't negate the positive aspect of life in the long run. and that is for everything in life. Sexual mental religious social.. you name it I have an open mind to it. And it was only after virtually racking my brain to find out who I am as a person and even sacrificing what could have been good lives for me. But even still this is me, I know who I am and I don't think I could find a better woman to be with. Luckily I found my life partner in a female so that I could take on one of my lifelong goals, fatherhood.

It's amazing how something as simple as a kiss could affect one's outlook on everything. I mean I allegedly have the right to act as I please and even still I don't because of my own understandings and balance of morals. In my lifestyle there is nothing wrong with being with someone assuming they have an understanding of your lifestyle and share a bond with you to that degree. I wouldn't be intimate with someone who has the ideals of being in an exclusive relationship because that endangers my own relationship with the possibility of unneeded drama and on the side of the other it would be unfair to engage in anything that might trigger them to yearn to be with me. it just wouldn't be fair.

And on that note I've noticed something. I have this freedom and in the time we've been together the only times I've acted out were with partners she has brought or one or two times on my own but even still the friendships became awkward afterward due to outside issues. But I've seen so many guys talking about how it'd be so awesome to sleep with anyone and yadda yadda.. but that's being single in their viewpoint. they know the people they are with wouldn't allow it so they see it as guilt free no punishment cheating, and in that sense it's wrong.
I have never acted out if the occasion arose and I felt honestly that Devon would be upset or not okay with this person.

But even still I know she is trying to understand my way of life, which is simply being open and having no boundaries or drawbacks. But even still the simple life tends to be more complex than a complex lifestyle. Having no rules and being alone is an easy route but I have a life to share mine with.

I cherish her so much for being the way she is. But it's trying. I honestly want to be alone and sit by myself and isolate myself in a cave at this point. I'm not really excited about drugs, drinking fucking, talking, rollercoasters aren't that much fun for me, I'm over bars and clubs, I enjoy sitting in a park and just sitting, honestly.

Natural has been so appealing to me, I've realized how attached we've all become to technology and lost ourselves to media and fashion and all that horseshit. I mean I have grown up in it so I'm guilty at times too.. hell the comp especially. but deep down I just want to give it all away and just go hermit.

Sitting for hours merely listening to the wind, really analyzing it. I enjoy it. I am a man whose obsessed with figuring things out, and at that same point I am also quick to move on, needing more, can't enjoy anything more than once. It's like when I figure something out or learn something it's dead to me then and no more entertaining.

I always want to know what makes people tick, so like I meet someone new I want to know everything about them emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually, literally inside and out I want to know that person as if I was that person.

Its annoying. It honestly is but thats who I am. I'm not saying I'm enlightened when I say this but I certainly understand monks and their ability to not be sexual. I used to be infatuated with sexual acts.. but it seems so repetitious and I'd really just prefer to get the other person off as many times as possible and then go do something else. I don't care about shooting my load or anything vulgar like that. I just dont' get sexually excited anymore the way I used to. it's weird.

I don't have erectile issues, I have errections all the time, and that's annoying as hell. And if it isn't popping wood it's sleeplessness. I can't sleep right, when I do if I do I wake up regularly and what would be a 8 hr sleep is 4hr on average sometimes not even that much. Constant waking turning. I know I must have sleep apnea or however it's spelled. I was in school for it and now I can't even remember the spelling.. good grief. I retain the most useless shit and yet the things that interest me don't stay... what the hell.

Read a comicbook once and 12 years later quoted the storyline page for page. No interest in the damn thing.. yet I remembered it all.
there's a song out there gatsu look it up and set it medium level of volume so it's soft not loud but certainly not something you have to strain to listen to. Put it on repeat and lay flat on your back with your arms to your side with nothing touching you.
Think without thinking... kinda like running a slideshow of memories in the back of your mind but not focusing on them so you have related thought to them. But run thru images and memories of warm feelings and fond memories and things that genuinely made you feel really good inside.. like you felt warm inside. a moment of glowing.. I do that alot and my mind drifts into a meditative sleep and it's just wonderful.

I'm odd I know that, I know I'm quick witted and can be randomly quirky and funny. and too much of it is annoying and sometimes I don't know when to stop... but it's true. I actually don't. I see people happy and I just want it to continue for them for as long as possible.

I'm an asshole with a massive heart. go figure. I care deeply for people I just meet. I treat everyone as if we've known each other for years and as I said I'm very open. But that doesn't mean I expect anyone else to be. I am me and I expect everyone else to just be themselves no matter what that might mean.

I've gotten somethings out and I'm ready to attempt a good shower and a lay down session next to devon moments before she wakes up for her classes.

She really is great but I just wish I could find someone who I could be close to on an equal plane. just to keep my head on straight sometimes ya know?
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this weekend [Apr. 14th, 2008|04:34 am]
Wolf
So I'm awake as usual with virtually no one online and plenty of shit to read.
Logan and Taylor came up this weekend. He being my cousin and she being my sister in law.

We all had fun off and on, well Logan and I never stopped goofing off, Taylor was kinda a buzz kill off and on since she has issues she doesn't wanna deal with properly and gets mad at us for protecting her. Certain subjects people just can't be sarcastic about.. meh I'm not one for censorship of sarcasm. I know she'll overcome it eventually.

Logan and I did what anyone does when they momentarily get bored in an apartment loaded with 3 small dogs, a ferret, a dwarf hamster, and 2 male bettas...

We cranked the tunes and ransacked my closets and boxes for random crap to wear and started dancing like jack asses.

Had alot of fun. Got sick at work and left at 2 instead of 5pm the drive home made me feel better... funny how that works out hunh.

Took everyone but Devon who went on a cleaning binge out to scifi city comics and petsmart and barnes and noble and movie stop.

Watched the Dark Crystal which is a classic, though I seriously doubt that they appreciated it as much as they should considering the state of the art puppetry Jim Henson mastered and later refined in such shows as Farscape and mirror mask.

I've always liked the wide range of puppets as well as ages of audiences.
from children's shows to more adult based.. I like that very much, never really a big fan on narrow spectrums of imagination.

Taylor smiled and laughed alot, and so did Logan. I've been a dick to him in the past mainly because of finding myself as a teen and attempting to cope with romance and emotions and learning boundaries and mutual respect for others.. especially in a relationship sense.

Probably why I'm so protective of Taylor. She kinda reminds me of myself when I was younger sometimes, and I don't want to see her go down the same awkward soul crushing turmoil I went thru. I came out a better person in the long run... but I'm always curious what it'd be like if I took a different route of learning and if I'd be happier without all I've learned. Moments around her tend to bring up interesting thoughts... to say the least.

well this is babble so I'll shut up.. maybe focus on uploading some pics and videos of this weekend.
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from the ashes we fall.. so too shall we arise anew. [Feb. 10th, 2008|04:09 am]
Wolf
[Current Location |orlando, florida]

Wow back from the dead it would seem.

I haven't used this thing in ages. and for once I think the drama of childhood will be put on the back burner til it sizzles and dries up forever.
Or and least one can only hope. I'm married to anyone who didn't know

www.myspace.com/wolfcrap

I believe if not right this minute in time the pictures will be put up.

Devon and I were the perfect match. We went through so much fighting we had overcome pretty much all our own internal blockages and lost all fears.

She respects my individuality and open minded ideals, and I love her for all she is. Her young mind yearning for answers, not to say she isn't intelligent or anything, she is book smart to the tee but in life she has soo much to learn.

In our vows and much said at the reception, we are polar opposites, but in that we complete each other and compliment each other. What I lack she has and what she isn't I am.

Looking back on some entries.. and some triggering memories of events.. I can't believe I'm sitting in front of this computer typing hours into the early morning while she slumbers in the room next to me, in our apartment.

I'm old and dying.. and I think I'm the only one who gets that as a positive... Mind you old at heart. weathered in the mind. My body is amazingly resistant to abuse, my "living" life has put a burden on my flesh and bone... yet still I stand strong. I never truly believed I could sit and look back, and respect my learning. Grasp insight into my past and realize corrections I could have made but in turn learned so much more for not taking the easy road.

Anyone who still reads these dusty old ramblings.. thanks, thank you for "tuning in"

I will more than likely update this blog from time to time.. mostly in an attempt to finish Morphen.. it's been ages but I've been heavily distracted.

Of all things I resent, it'd be losing my vivid verbal/textual energy I once had. then again lack of sleep for days tends to have certain advantages. ahahahaaa. maybe I'll regain them shortly.
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sheesh... [Feb. 10th, 2007|04:21 pm]
Wolf
so I'm home and I turned down hanging out with friends up in new port richey.I don't know what I'll be up to tonight. I figure I'll stick with a few close friends here in the burg.. ugh. I hate this place with a passion. It's only convenience is how crammed everything is so you don't have to travel long distances to get to anything.

Someone close to me had a bad day today.. I hope they are doing better now. they deserve the best because they yearn so badly for it.

Cook em some macaroni and cheese and whitebread with white cheese sandwich or something.. so when they get off work they'd at least have something nice waiting for them.. but I figure that'd blow up in my face and they'd get mad at me for it.

Feel better.

I got work tomorrow. woohoo. hopefully Albert who works with me talked to his classmate, he is in for graphic design and his friend has published some books, and can give me some info on helping me move this project along.

Nice to make enough bread to pay off my debt and then maybe a downpayment on a house or something.

but ya who knows... I've had an odd day.

I'm glad I got to spend some of it with a friend who I actually see as a friend and know where I stand with them, as friends.

Sticking by the ones you love is a tiresome challenge but I think I'm accustomed to the trials and errors of it all and the indecisive nature she has... keeps me on my toes. It's like she was built for me.. maybe why I was so enthusiastic about asking her to wed me... but that was months ago..

she needs someone to take care of her when she's at the breaking point regardless of what it is.. and I've always been able to do that. thick n thin. but I want her to become stronger. argh the luck of the world.

oh well.. back to artwork and video games.
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